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humour
Nov 7, 2012 9:57:02 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Nov 7, 2012 9:57:02 GMT -12
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving the lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife." ;D
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humour
Nov 8, 2012 18:06:42 GMT -12
Post by vk7hch on Nov 8, 2012 18:06:42 GMT -12
1st man: I just watched a movie where a wife was savagely murdered by a serial killer and the son was left with a physical disability. In a cruel twist of fate, the son is then kidnapped from school. The father chases the kidnapper for thousands of kilometers in the company of a woman with a mental illness. 2nd man: wow, what was it called? 1st man: Finding Nemo
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humour
Nov 8, 2012 20:38:38 GMT -12
Post by collectorinspector on Nov 8, 2012 20:38:38 GMT -12
Did you hear about The latest intense traffic jamb over here in Perth? It lasted for hours!
No?
Imagine four Blonde tourists in separate cars all at a roundabout at the same time
B
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humour
Nov 9, 2012 7:12:30 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Nov 9, 2012 7:12:30 GMT -12
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE....An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "OK" she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies. "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
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humour
Nov 9, 2012 16:55:38 GMT -12
Post by collectorinspector on Nov 9, 2012 16:55:38 GMT -12
THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies...
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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humour
Nov 14, 2012 19:04:07 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Nov 14, 2012 19:04:07 GMT -12
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humour
Dec 4, 2012 16:50:28 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Dec 4, 2012 16:50:28 GMT -12
Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.
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humour
Dec 4, 2012 18:23:53 GMT -12
Post by thetinker on Dec 4, 2012 18:23:53 GMT -12
LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER OH No !!! He has a sister Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Stevie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!" Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty." Mum fainted.
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humour
Dec 4, 2012 18:55:09 GMT -12
Post by thetinker on Dec 4, 2012 18:55:09 GMT -12
A teacher's story about Stuttering A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!' 'That must've been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room !.
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humour
Dec 5, 2012 6:09:40 GMT -12
Post by thetinker on Dec 5, 2012 6:09:40 GMT -12
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
Merry Christmas
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humour
Jan 8, 2013 18:49:58 GMT -12
Post by thetinker on Jan 8, 2013 18:49:58 GMT -12
Safe sex reminder...
Please appreciate that condoms do not guarantee safe sex!
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Please pass this public safety information on.
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humour
Jan 8, 2013 19:28:47 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Jan 8, 2013 19:28:47 GMT -12
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
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humour
Jan 20, 2013 7:54:36 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Jan 20, 2013 7:54:36 GMT -12
Two women were playing golf one morning. The first one teed off & watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, & he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground & proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man & began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist & I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, & he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away, laid them to the side, loosened his pants, & put her hands inside. She began to massage him & asked, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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humour
Jan 24, 2013 9:57:03 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Jan 24, 2013 9:57:03 GMT -12
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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humour
Jan 24, 2013 10:29:10 GMT -12
Post by chillidog on Jan 24, 2013 10:29:10 GMT -12
Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.
It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
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